OK – You messed it up. Your marriage has failed and you are just now coming out of your period of mourning to greet the world again. You've gone through the feelings of failure, rejection, financial ruin, and family reprimand. You've suffered through ostracism by your children, comments at work, visits from your church leaders and all the other devastating events that have occurred since you or your spouse decided to call it quits. Now, you are feeling a little more positive about your future and you may be ready to embark on another relationship that could lead to a second marriage.
Are You Ready for a Second Marriage?
Aside from being scared stiff, you have already decided that your nature is most comfortable with one love in your life. And, that love has to be a permanent partner who is willing to share all of the good and bad times with you in a setting of complete love, trust, and forgiveness. For it is only with this unconditional commitment that two people can truly maximize the benefits of this true personal union.
How can you ensure that this second marriage doesn't end up like the first? What mistakes can you avoid that will give you a better result than before? And how can you shake the overwhelming evidence that second marriages normally lead to third, fourth, or even more tries at this popular institution?
You have to begin by fully and objectively evaluating yourself for proper attitude and elimination of flaws. With that information you can reduce your bad traits and develop new habits that will bring you to the point of "liking yourself" more and thereby making yourself a proper candidate for a second try.
In conducting your evaluation, you will be assisted with study of some actual life lessons learned over the course of the first marriage. We cannot help but to be educated, positively or negatively, by our past life and history. So what we have experienced in the past should give us enough input to make improvements or changes to our way of approaching new relationships. Our goal is to examine past performance to help to determine what has to be changed to make you a better "you."
Here are some of the personal "thought triggers" to consider in an effort to give your second marriage a better than average chance of succeeding. If you can honestly say that you understand and agree with these precepts of marital living, you may be able to stop at two weddings and not have to venture into multiple matings over the coming years.
Have You Lowered Your Ego?
When you have realized that you are not the most important person in the world and that there are "others" out there who deserve more praise and accolades then you do, you will be on your way to being a more sensitive partner.
Do You Have a More Appropriate Sex Drive?
When you realize that you are not 17 anymore and that your attributes in the sexual arena have diminished to the point that frequency and performance are not what makes a man or a woman an acceptable partner, you will have removed one of the biggest stumbling blocks to a successful pairing.
Have You Become Aware of Your Mortality?
Believe it or not, no one lives forever. And as we get older, and perhaps wiser, we realize that life is short and that we should make the most of our time here on earth. Knowing that this life will end, we can more realistically determine how we want to spend our time here. Most would prefer to spend it on enjoyable things rather than problems, so we may be a bit more tolerant, accommodating, honest, generous, and keenly interested in doing the right thing so that peace in our lives will abound.
Do You Know That You Will Not Be a Millionaire?
Up to this point you may have had the desire to "make it big" financially and have fallen short. If you have a more realistic idea of what your earning potential is it may relieve a lot of the stress in your next relationship and make you a more stable and confident partner.
Do You Have a Better Handle on Finances?
Striving to keep up with the Jones' may have put you in a financial hole in your first marriage. Do you now understand that you don't have to have everything you desire "right now" and that it will be appreciated more if you save for it together and buy it when you can truly afford the item? Do you know that "less can be more" if you are sharing life with an understanding and patient partner?
Have You Learned to Cope With Success and Failure?
Just as failure in life can be devastating, so too can success and the inability to cope with it properly. Many have become successful only to lose track of rational behavior and the ability to manage wealth to insure future security. Having money and then losing it can be more devastating that never having money at all. Your ability to deal with success or failure can be a precursor of how you will behave in the new relationship.
Do You Have a Greater Understanding of the Opposite Sex?
"Women are different than men" is a simple concept. But, do you now understand that you will need to work hard to understand how the opposite sex thinks and behaves in order to insure domestic tranquility?
Do You Notice When You Make a Mistake and Admit It?
Are you still too proud to say you are sorry? Do you tend to put the blame on others? Do you learn from your mistakes and try to correct your behavior in the future? Have you grown up to the point where you know that you are flawed and can't be perfect all the time?
Have You Become More Spiritual?
Since most of the people around you will be dead in 100 years or less, you may have turned your thinking "upwards" and become more aware that how you act on earth may have consequences after you are gone. Having increased faith in an afterlife can be the most important contributor to making you a better partner and better candidate for successful marriage. Indeed, if you had been more spiritual in your first marriage, you might have avoided the need for the second.
Are You a Better Listener?
You can't listen when you are talking. Hearing the problems, concerns, feelings, fears, and praises of your partner will make for a much happier union. Are you ready to make a point to "hear out" your wife or husband before you start to speak? Are you ready to wait five seconds to gather your thoughts before responding to a question?
Are You More Willing to Work at the Relationship?
Nothing worth having comes easily. Can you now honestly say that you do not want to fail and that you will do all in your power to be cognizant of the other person's feelings and needs above your own? Will you be more sensitive to birthdays, holidays, children's events, "off-couch" activities, and sometimes going places that you think you will not like just because your wife or husband wants to go? If you are, then the extra effort put into the relationship will undoubtedly be well received and yield years of peaceful co-existence in a happy home.
Summary:
Only you can decide if you are now a more suitable partner for a relationship and ready to take that step to a second marriage. But, with a better awareness of your own positives and negatives, your attitude, willingness to compromise and your ability to put the other person "first" in the relationship, you stand a good chance of beating the odds for success.
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